


This Is Fine

by J_LeParallelepipede



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: (at some point), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Angst, Drunk Texting, M/M, Oblivious Baz, Oblivious Simon, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Paris (City), Pining, Pining Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Sexting, Simon is a boxer, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-19 10:43:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14872253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_LeParallelepipede/pseuds/J_LeParallelepipede
Summary: Baz is so desperately in love with his room mate, Simon Snow, that he flees to Paris for a year, hoping to forget him forever. Except his crush won't stop texting him...





	1. You left your blender

**Author's Note:**

> Baz is in Italics  
> Simon is in Bold  
> Penny is underlined

I have finally found a flat in Paris. It has been hell and I have a lot of money, I can’t imagine what I like for others, like Simon. No no no no I do not want to go there. I made a promise to myself, not thinking about Simon Snow for a year. Well I hope for the rest of my life but let’s start with a year. Well obviously the year hasn’t started since I’m here, smoking a cigarette at the window thinking about Simon Snow looking for a flat in Paris. The thing is, Simon Snow is the perfect hetero golden hero, it’s like is straight out of a book or a movie. From orphan to student at one of the most prestigious University in the UK, recipient of a scholarship for his boxing ability which means he has the most perfect body (I mean I guess?). Blond curls, light blue eyes, smile that would bring sunlight in December, amazingly rich and beautiful girlfriend. I could talk about him forever because the thing is: I am desperately in love with him. Simon has been one of my roommates all through our first year of Uni and it has been proper hell. At first I didn’t understand why he made me feel nervous but I was so on edge every time he was near me than I began insulting him all the time. And it was so easy because he is very clumsy and also very furious, very quickly. By the time I realised I was doing that because I was attracted to him I was already completely in love with him and he absolutely hated me. It was a blessing when I got accepted for the exchange program in Paris. I am going to spend a year in France, with young and beautiful boys all around me and I am going to forget Simon Snow. But the year without Simon Snow starts tomorrow. For now I’m indulging myself, looking at the few starts in the sky, reminding me of Simon’s face covered in moles.

 

Except, of fucking course, when I wake up the next morning and check my phone I have a text from He-who-must-not-be-thought-of.

 

         Simon Snow

 

**You left your blender.**

_Yes._

**Why?**

_I couldn’t take it in France and my parents have one at home_.

**So can I use it?**

_No._

**Uuuugh why tho?**

_Only people who can write properly can use it._

**Fuck off**

**I could use it and you would never know…**

_Fine. you can use it._

 

I’m saying yes because I want him to stop texting me, not because I want him to be happy.

 

**I am making the most amazing smoothie your blender has ever seen.**

_And why on earth do you think I care about what you are drinking, Snow?_

**You care that I am making something better than you.**

_I don’t. And even if I did I’m pretty sure your Smoothie is shite._

Seen 11:44

I honestly do not know why he is texting me. But he sends me a fucking selfie of him sipping a yellowish drink and fuck he is gorgeous. I keep staring at his mouth on the straw and I really should stop because I have class in 15 minutes and I need to be calm and _not_ hard. When I get out of class 3 hours later he has texted again.

 

         Simon Snow

 

**Well?**

**So you gave up eh? I am going to celebrate my victory with your replacement**.

 _My replacement_?

**Yeah, the guy that now lives in your room.**

**He is awesome. He is not mean to me and he helped me put new curtains.**

_Well I am glad you found someone who could tolerate you Snow._

**He says hi!**

_Hello to him I guess._

**So how’s Paris?**

I should ask him to stop texting me but I am so weak. And it’s kind of easier talking to him when I don’t see his face.

 

_Good. A lot of nice museums and bistro._

**Bistro hahaha you’re so fancy Mr. French.**

_It’s not fancy it’s just the right word._

**Ok ok ok if you say so.**

**Did you join your uni football team?**

_No I don’t think I will, I want to focus on my studies. You know to actually have a degree._

**It’s a shame you’re a good player.**

_Ah. Thank you I guess._

**Well anyways I’m off to school. See ya baza**

_Don’t ever say that again Snow._

Seen 15:25


	2. I am bored

It has been 3 weeks since Simon texts and I am getting really good at not thinking about him. I have met people that are as sarcastic as I am. It’s really hard to understand sarcasm in another language, harder even to _be_ sarcastic, but I’m getting better at it. We’re out on a Friday night drinking bad wine outside of a noisy bar. It’s a warm night for September, it’s 11:18 when I feel my phone vibrate and it’s a text from Simon.

 

         Simon Snow

 

**I am bored.**

_Well I don’t care._

**But you answered!**

_Does not mean that I care._

**So I’m at that party with Clem, that’s your replacement, and Penny but I am bored.**

_Do not care._

**Maybe I should get wayyyyyy more drunk so I can talk to people**

_You can’t talk to people while sober?_

**I mean I can but it’s so hard.**

_I didn’t know you were shy Snow._

**Well you don’t really know me do you? You do not care** **J**

_WOW_

_You are right for once._

_I really don’t._

**I am so confused.**

_What else is new?_

**Haha but for real.**

**Okay I’m going to have another drink.**

_Yeah me too._

**cHEERS!**

_Santé Snow._

**Awww <3 **

_What the actual fuck?_

**Sorrrry my drink was actually shots.**

_Okay good night Snow._

**Sleep well baz!**

Seen 12:10

 

I wake up the next morning still confused about the texts from last night. So yeah the first thing on my mind is Snow. I try to not check my phone before I shower, and then while I eat my breakfast. But really when I’m done I just fall back on my bed my phone in hands. Of course no new texts from Simon, I am so bloody stupid sometimes. He was partying so I should check Instagram. I know, I am lame, in times like this I wonder if I will ever get over Simon Snow. The thing is, on top of being my roommate; Simon is best friend with Penelope Bunce who was my friend all through school. He is also dating Agatha Wellbelove who was my friend before she fancied me last year of high school. So yeah I can never really escape him and my social media is always full of reminders of him. And of course because I am soft I follow him on Insta.

 

I see a post from Penny first; it’s a picture of Simon in a pub making his best “unimpressed” face with a smirk I only ever see that look directed at Penny. I am stupidly happy to have a photo of that face because I like it. When I stop obsessing about his face I realise he has his thumbs pushing up bloody yellow suspenders. I never saw him wearing that before and I must admit it looks good on him. But I guess I would find anything good on him. The caption is: “@whenlifegivesyousimon thought he was rocking the 13th Doctor look but no one else did.” I chuckle a little at what a nerd he is. I want to comment how I think he does look amazing but I just write “fucking nerd”. And _oh_ , he changed his name; it uses to be @thesnowbox. I smile at the new name, I like it, and I say it out loud wondering at how would life be if it did gave me Simon. My small smile falls when I see Snow’s post. It’s a picture of him; face warm from drunkenness, well the side of his face that we can see because he is kissing a boy on his cheek. This sends electricity in my body and I’m left with a sinking feeling. Weirdly I’m almost more jealous of him kissing some boy on the cheek, even if it’s in a friendly manner I’m sure, than him dating Agatha. I close my eyes afraid I’m going to be sick; when I breathe better I look back closely at my phone. One of his arms is around that guy shoulder, grabbing his arm, the other is around him too, but in front and I can see all the muscles of his arms. I would bless this picture if it weren’t for the kiss because really Simon’s arms are just a gift from the gods. Finally I look at the lucky lad that has had Simon Snow lips on his face, I never saw him before; he has dark short hair, blue eyes and a nice round face. His round glasses are pushed a little bit to the side because of Simon’s face on his and I shiver. I read the caption, and re read it, I must have read it a hundred times now: “Is a breakup party better that staying alone reading Keats in my bed? @clemotp & @thewayyoubunce think so.”

 

Breakup? What in the name of fuck? Whose breakup? I have a million thoughts, so this is Clem? He is kissing my replacement? Already? Is it what my life would be if I had been capable of being his friend? Whose breakup? I quickly go to WhatsApp to talk to Penny.

 

         Penicillin

 

_Hi Bunce! How are you?_

_Not to be a stalker… but I saw on insta that Snow talked about a breakup party? Is everything all right with Micah_?

Hiiiiiii Baz! I miss you!

Haha you are a stalker even if you say “not to be a stalker” but I guess you’re all alone in France with no friends so I let it pass for now.

Hahaha you are kind of sweet but not my breakup J still with the bloody American.

_Glad to hear that Bunce, I do kind of miss you sometimes but I’ll have you know I have friends._

_So, whose breakup_?

Oh. Yes you don’t know. 

Simon and Ags

_What?_

I know. The power couple. But yeah it was kind of an agreement that they were better off being friends? Simon was still a bit sad, more of letting go of the idea that he had of the relationship that the actual relationship. Idk if it makes sense but that’s what he said so.

Seen 11:34

 

I am laughing hysterically. It changes nothing between us but I still feel happy, what can I say? I’m disturbed.

 

         Penicillin

Baz? 

Are you doing a happy dance or something?

_Happy dance? Why would I?_

Look Baz. You’re far away now, you’re not living with him anymore, you can tell me.

_I honestly don’t know what you mean Bunce_.

Seen 11:38

 

Fuck.

 

         Penicillin

Baz, we are friend right? I know you. And I know you are in love with him. Don’t worry I won’t say anything.

_Ok._

OK????

_I mean thank you_

_For not saying anything to him_

_And for knowing me I guess_

You are very welcome! I love you Bazzou

_YOU DID NOT_

I DID

_Fuck you Peniny_

Haha that’s fair.

Baz, why were you always like that with him?

_I don’t know._

You can do better than that you smart boi

_Because I could never have him? Because he is all perfection, and sunshine, and moles and all I can do is stare at the most straight guy on earth? I’m sure it would be worse if I were his friend. I know how tactile he is with his friends. Nooooo thanks_.

Seen 11:55

 

It feels actually good to say that to someone, not out loud but still. Someone knows my secret. I am also happy that I told Bunce because now she will stop harassing me for being a jerk to Simon. Well I hope she will.

 

          Penicillin

I get it… but I don’t understand how you can love him and hurt him so much? 

I guess that’s not really my place to say I’m sorry.

Also I wouldn’t be so sure about the straightness.

_What the fuck Penny?_

It’s not for me to tell!

_YOU CAN’T JUST TELL ME THAT BUNCE!_

I probably shouldn’t have! 

He is my friend too… and he trust me so please don’t push it. Please?

_Ok yeah sorry Penn._

Maybe talk to him?

_No._

Okay. Sorry love, really.

Seen 12:08

 

I don’t know what’s happening, to me, to the world, apparently to Simon Snow. I’m trying to regulate my breathing. I need to go out and walk.


	3. Of course you don’t have to say yes

My year of not thinking of Simon Snow is a total disaster.

 

It has been a month since he broke up with Agatha, a month since Penny told me she wasn’t sure he was straight. It means that it has been a month of me thinking that Simon Snow is fucking all the guys he can found.

I have stalked him on level I’m ashamed to confess to myself. He is mainly posting Insta story about studying, boxing or his friends. No more pictures of him kissing a guy, or a girl. I want to ask Penny but I don’t because every night I fall asleep thinking that tomorrow will be the day I stop obsessing about him.

 

I have a lot of uni work anyway, and night outs. There is this guy, Tom, that seems to like me, at least seems to be attracted to me but I cannot let go of Simon Snow. So I just avoid all physical contact with him. Which sucks, I whish I could just fuck him and get on with it. Released the tension in me.

 

It’s Saturday afternoon and outside everything is grey, I’m smoking a cigarette in front of the Library, looking at the people walking slowly, enjoying their weekend. I see two young men holding hands and I bloody blush. I hate myself. I take out my phone to have something to do and scroll on Instagram again. Double tapping some art and quotes, eventually I see a post by Penny: it’s a head full of golden curls, the one I could know anywhere, on a book. I look closer and sure enough it’s a picture of Simon asleep in the Watford Library. He has one arm on the desk, hand almost touching a paper cup of what must be coffee. It’s like he fell asleep reaching for his drink, I can’t help but smile at how cute it is, how cute he is. I close my eyes because and I can actually picture him sleeping, from the many times he had fell asleep on our couch, after training or whilst watching shit TV. I open back my eyes fast, I promise myself not to do that anymore for fuck sake.

 

I read the caption: “@whenlifegivesyousimon raised a sigh so piteous and profound that it did seem to shatter all his bulk and end his being”. There were several comments:

AWellbeloving: That poor thing!

Clemotp: Should have drink more coffee and less tea, bloody Brits

whenlifegivesyousimon: Oh, woe is me.

 

So Agatha was still commenting pictures of Simon, were they really friend? Or maybe they were back together, which would make so much sense but also would hurt like hell. And replacement guy needs to stop flirting with Simon Snow right now. But mostly my heart is going crazy because Simon just quote Shakespeare back at Penny and I feel like I’ve never been more in love. Which is all level of not okay. The post makes me realise that back at Watford they must be in the terrible week before mid semester papers are due. No wonder Simon is falling asleep on a book; he must be a mess.

 

Late Sunday afternoon, as I was watching _Hiroshima, mon amour_ , a beautifully sad French movie, I notice my phone lighting up, I quickly look at it and it’s a text from Simon. I look at my screen, frozen, not sure if I should open it. I know I won’t resist long so I just do it.

 

         Simon Snow

**Hi Baz! How are you man? So I’m taking French this year, I just wrote my first essay and I was wondering if you could, idk, read it?**

Seen 17:45

 

I don’t have a fucking clue how to answer that. If I say yes I’m being nice, do I want to be nice? He will just keep asking things and talk to me and I won’t forget him. At the same time I’m not making any progress on that while not talking to him so fuck it. Also I really really want to help him. I must take too long to answer, also he knows I saw his text, he writes again.

 

         Simon Snow

**I’m really sorry to bother you; of course you don’t have to say yes. It’s just you are the only one I know that speaks French…**

_I will look at your paper Snow. But maybe I should remind you that your girlfriend studies French as well._

_Seen 17:50_

 

Well I’m not supposed to know, am I? And it’s the perfect opportunity to know if they are back together.

 

         Simon Snow

**THANK YOU SO MUCH**

**I just sent it to you by email**

**Please don’t be too mean? I just want to know if it’s worth a passing grade?**

**I know Agatha studies French thank you Baz but we are not together anymore**.

_Sorry to hear that._

**Are you? Haha. Didn’t you hate the fact that she was with me?**

_I was being polite. You should try it sometimes_

**Yeah well anyways we are still friend so I’m still polluting her with my non-gentryness**.

Seen 17:58

 

Why did he ask me for help if they are still friends? Also he really thinks I was not happy with them dating because I thought he was not good enough for her. Hahahaha. What an oblivious fuck. Okay I may have say that once, but just to get rid of him.

 

         Simon Snow

 _I sent you back your paper Snow. It was okay, I underlined where you made grammatical mistakes_.

**OMG BAZ YOU SAVE MY LIFE**

_Calm down._

_You were okay without me really_.

 **Oh was I? That’s nice to hear a compliment coming from you Baz**.

_That wasn’t_

_…_

_Okay just don’t get use to it you moron_.

**So how’s France?**

_Still good._

**I’m happy for you! You must fit right in.**

_Uh well thanks I guess, but why do you say that?_

**Well you dress well, like a French**

_You seem to know a lot of things about France all of a sudden. Why did you decide take French?_

**Idk**

_Agatha?_

**Haha no. Tbh during summer I discovered who my biological mother was and some friend of hers had things from her that she gave me and there was this CD of a French singer, France Gall.**

**And so yeah I keep listening to it and I guess that’s why suddenly I wanted to learn French.**

_Wow Snow I didn’t know. That’s amazing that you found out who your mother was. How did it happen?_

**Yeah it’s great but sometimes it also kinda of hurt you know? Now that I know how she looked like and that she did not abandoned me but died I miss her even more. I guess you’re the only one I know who can understand that.**

_Yes I know how it feels. But it’s good to know you were loved._

**Yeah I guess it is. I’m still processing or some shit.**

_I wish I could tell you it gets better…_

**You still miss her a lot?**

_Always._

_Not to be dramatic or anything but yeah it still sucks every day._

**Basilton Grimm-Pitch doesn’t want to be dramatic?**

_Yeah might be the first and last time._

**Ah it’s more like it! That’s my Baz**

_Your Baz? Are you trying to make me vomit Snow?_

**Yeah well I need to go to sleep, more assignment to do tomorrow. Goodnight**.

_Goodnight Snow._

Seen 11:12

 

I am so stupid. Fuck! I am. He was being nice, he was talking about personal stuff saying I was the only one who could understand and I have to go for hatred. Why am I like this? Oh yeah because he will never love me. Nevertheless I’m going to fall asleep reading his texts imagining his voice saying “my Baz”.


	4. Please don’t stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry in advance for my english :) Hope you enjoy it

It’s been several days since our last conversation and I still feel like shite. I want to talk to him again. I have written a thousand texts without sending any. It’s driving me crazy and it’s getting harder to focus on school so I text Penny about it.

 

         Penicillin

_Hey Pen sooooooooo_

_Simon told me he found out who his mother was._

Hello Bazzotto

He did. An old friend of his mother spent a lot of the last 19 years trying to find him. It’s so amazing. He’s trying to get proof of their filiation so he can use her surname.

_Snow is not his name?_

It’s his middle name  J

_I can’t believe I’m calling him by his middle name. I feel betrayed._

Hahahah true ! 

So he told you?

_He did._

So you’re talking uh?

_Not really. I don’t know what to say to him._

Try with “Hi how are you doing?” 

I know it’s BOLD but you can do it.

_Fuck you._

_But I might._

_I don’t know_

_I DON’T KNOW_

Wow chill Basilton!

It’s going to be fine, he is lovely I promise. 

And I think he’ll be happy to talk to you. He keeps talking about you and asking me for news. It’s kind of annoying really.

_Ok_

_OK Pen, thank you._

_I love you_

Love you too mate

Seen 19:55

         Si the Sun

_Hi Snow. How are you doing?_

**BAZ! I’m great, that fucking week is over.**

**How are you? What are you up to?**

_I’m glad you survived The Week. Though be careful there will be another one in January._

_I’m good. I’m getting better at writing all my essays in French_.

**I bet you are. That’s so amazing that you can do that, that language is killing my brain.**

**Aaaaand let’s not talk about assignment week until after Christmas please?**

**Are you coming back home in December?**

_Okay okay._

_I am, for a week_.

 **Wow that’s short. Are you coming to Watford to visit friends**?

_No._

**Oh okay. I’m sure Penny is going to be pissed.**

_Well I might see her at home or at the Club._

**Oh right…**

_What are you doing for Christmas?_

**I think you never asked me that many question. Ever. In a full year. Baz, are you okay?**

_I am perfectly fine. I can stop if you want._

**No!**

**No please I’m glad you’re talking to me please don’t stop.**

Seen 20:48

 

That boy is going to be the death of me.

 

         Si the Sun

**It’s too far to go to Penny’s only for the 25 th and I don’t want to impose longer. **

**I’ll stay in our flat at Watford**.

_Snow, are you going to spend Christmas alone?_

**Nope Clem is staying too. It’s too expensive to go back to Ireland**.

_Ok cool._

Seen 20:57

 

Why am I so jealous of this guy?

 

         Si the Sun

**So Baz you’re gay right?**

_Yes, what the fuck Snow? You know that, it’s not like I hide it._

**No no of course, I know it** **J**

**I was wondering… How did you know?**

_Seriously what the fuck?_

**Nothing!**

**Idk I was just wondering.**

_I just know._

**Ok.**

**So did you find a French boyfriend?**

Seen 21:06

 

Oh my god what is wrong with him.

 

         Si the Sun

_No. Why?_

**Why does everything have to have a reason? I’m just asking, don’t answer if you don’t want to.**

_I didn’t. There’s a guy who likes me I think but I don’t know._

**You don’t know what?**

_If I want anything to happen_

_Did you find a new girlfriend?_

**Why don’t you know? Is he ugly or what?**

_No he’s not ugly!_

_It’s just that_

_I kind of like someone else_

_But it’s doomed so there’s no point_

_But I still don’t know if I want something to happen with that boy_

_If that make sense._

_So golden boy? How many new blond girls under your thumb?_

**No it makes sense Baz. I just**

**I have a hard time picturing you liking someone**

**Even less pining**

**??**

**There was never any blond girl under my thumb so…**

**Also Golden boy????**

**But to answer nope. No new girlfriend. I’m pretty sure Agatha was the only one seeing something worth liking in me and not even enough worth loving apparently**

**Anywayyyyys**

**Not even looking for one**.

Seen 21:19

 

Is he for real right now? Worth loving? Oh how I wish I could make all his self loathing go away by telling him how perfect he is and how I love him. Also I could really slap Agatha right now.

 

         Si the Sun

**Soooo who’s The Boy?**

**Do I know him?**

_You do know him._

**You’re not going to tell me are you?**

_No._

**I figure.**

**Is he why you left Watford?**

_No, I left to study in French._

**Ok ok.**

**Sure?**

_I guess the fact that seeing him was hurting so much helped making the decision._

**Haha that’s what I thought!**

**But like, not seeing him, isn’t worse?**

_Idk. Depends on the day._

_Honestly Simon why are you so curious?_

**Because it’s the 1 st time you are really talking to me so I’m asking all the questions I can while it last.**

_That doesn’t answer my question._

**I guess because you are one of the most intelligent people I know. There are some stuff I don’t dare talk to Penny because she will keep pushing and idk, I see her everyday it’s weird to talk about stuff that I’m not sure of.**

**I’m sorry I’m writing without thinking**

**DON’T SAY SOMETHING MEAN**

_I won’t_

**Okay cool thanks**

**Anyway you were the one with all the why is that and why is this like a 5 years old soooo**

_Okay let’s say we’re even._

**Steven!**

_Oh my god you did not._

**Tots did**

_Please stop I’m crying blood._

**Oh I want a picture of that.**

And I don’t know why, what’s got into me. But I feel so good when we are talking, and maybe he’s not straight and maybe he wants to talk about that to me. So yeah I pour grenadine syrup on my face to fake tears and send him a picture of my face. And he just answers:

 

**Wow. You hair is longer.**

Seen 22:01


	5. I really hoped I’d get a chance to see you.

I’m in my room. My actual childhood room, where I lived most of my life. I can here my stepmother watching an old film in her room while I’m lying on my bed, fully dressed and wondering what to do with my life.

 

There is a kind of languor when I’m back home, even when I’m here for only half a day I still feel boredom pressuring me. It’s right back from my teenage year, that I spent mostly wanting to go the fuck away from this place.

 

Christmas was actually great. My siblings where extra nice because they hadn’t seen me since august, even my father showed a little bit of emotion when he saw me getting home.

 

But for now all I can think about is how I am once again in the same country as Simon Snow. I have never been this close to him physically for months, and metaphorically, well, forever. We have been talking almost every day. Small things like updates on friends, on Christmas decorations, presents to get to people we care about. Sometimes I have told him things I have never told anyone, about my mother or my anxiety attacks. He also has opened up to me, about things I could have never imagined he was going through. It was never really a heart to heart conversation, I was just being more honest about life and he was just being himself.

 

And just 15 minutes ago he texted me asking me if I could come to Watford because that was stupid that we could not see each other while I was in the UK. I said no of course. It’s 1 hour drive and it’s already 9pm. And what would we do? How am I supposed to be around him now that I can’t totally pretend that I hate him? He’s dumb but not enough not to realise that I don’t hate him. And now I’m talking with way too many negatives in a sentence. I don’t even know if I want him to know I care. Also what am I suppose to do around this Clem? Replacement guy? No it’s just too stressful and too complicated I’ll just stay home.

 

Except.

 

Except I got dressed to see him. I actually changed so I’ll look good and he’ll realise he is definitely not straight and totally in love with me. Of course 5 minutes later I totally freaked out and I don’t know why but I can’t do it. I just stare at the ceiling hating myself and having this feeling in my chest and my stomach that I will for ever be alone because I don’t know how to function around people whom I haven’t met when I was 5.

 

          Si the Sun

**So you’re really not coming eh?**

_No. I just told you Snow_

**Little Jazzy Bazzy in his little boy bed** **J**

_Shut Up_

**Are you wearing you sushi PJ?**

Seen 21:23

 

Fuck how does he remember that? He saw me once in those, ONCE. I was mortified for a month. I thought he totally forgot, he saw me for 5 seconds and never gave me shit for it.

 

_I will never talk to you again._

**Sure, Jan.**

_Nope. Not even a little._

**That’s exhaustion talking. Go to sleep you dead fish.**

_Dead fish? Really?_

**Yeah not my best**

_The age of the understatement_

Seen 21:25

_I’m sorry I couldn’t come._

**Yeah… I really hoped I’d get a chance to see you.**

**Goodnight Baz.**

Seen 21:28

 

What the fuck am I supposed to answer that?


	6. You know what I think it will help me to just tell you how I feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know the cross out texts are those never sent by Baz.
> 
> Thank you so so much for reading <3

          Penicillin

_Nothing happened._

_Why do you ask that?_

Well he couldn’t shut up about you and kept texting you all day and suddenly he doesn’t want to hear your name and he’s moody and angry all the time. I mean more than usual.

_I’m pretty sure this has nothing to do with me._

_He just stopped texting me and almost never answer me so I stopped too._

Okay Basilton what did you do?

_What?_

_Why do you think I did something?_

_Don’t put this on me Pen!_

_He just doesn’t find me that interesting_.

I know Simon and you must have done something.

_Well I didn’t so fuck you._

Don’t you want to at least know why?

_No._

Okay sorry!

Seen 21:04

Fuck her now I want to know. Is it possible that he’s pissed about me not going to Watford to see him? Nope he doesn’t care about me that much. And we talked quite a lot for several days after that, so I just don’t know. But how do I ask him without looking needy? I don’t want him to think (know) that I like him or that I miss him or whatever.

 

After 2 days without sleep, thinking about him non-stop and failing miserably at following what’s happening in class I just go for it. Because really, I can’t keep living like this. Fuck Bunce for twisting my brain every two weeks about Simon.

 

          Simon

 _Good evening Snow. How have you been? I was sorry to read that you have lost your last fight_.

Seen 00:12

 

Of course I decided to write at midnight so there’s a better chance he’d be asleep and won’t answered. Well no luck tonight.

 

          Simon

**Oh hey Baz. Yeah thanks for reminding me. I’m good.**

**And you? Feeling better eh?**

_Better?_

**Oh you don’t remember? You were sick at xmas.**

_Ah yes. It was nothing serious I’m good now._

**Great**.

_Look I don’t know what happened but you seem weird lately?_

**Didnt know you noticed.**

_Well I did. Care to tell me what’s wrong?_

_You don’t have too of course._

**I bloody know I don’t have to.**

**But since you ask so nicely I saw Dev at new year eves and he told me you wernt sick at xmas. Well I guess that’s great for you I don’t get why you just didnt tell me you didnt want to see me Baz.**

**I mean why lie to me? Im use to being rejected or whatever I could have taken it im not some idk**

**Is everything a joke to you?**

Seen 00:19

Well I’ll be damned. I can’t tell him the truth that would mean admitting I like him. And that I like him to the point of helplessness, of not being able to see him because I’m too self-conscious and stressed out about how I love him.

 

          Simon

_Calm down Snow._

_I was trying to be polite by not telling I just couldn’t be bothered to go all the way to Watford just to see you._

_I saw my friends at home why would I go to the campus?_

Seen 00:25

 

I going to fucking kill Dev. And probably myself. I didn’t think it was possible for those two to be in same room. And to talk? What the fuck.

 

It’s been half an hour and he hasn’t responded. I mean he could be asleep it’s quite late even in the UK. I feel so bad. I wish he would talk to me even just to say fuck you.

 

          Simon

**Fuck you baz**

Seen 01:07

 

Well here it is.

 

          Simon

**I actually trusted you. Idk why exactly I guess that’s on me**

**Why did you talk to me that much if you just dont care?**

**You dont care about anyone but yourself**

_I was bored, and you kept texting me_

Seen 01:11

 

He could call my bullshit right now, there are so many examples of me texting him first, asking a million questions. Right now, this conversation is happening because _I_ texted him. Part of me wants this conversation to stop and the other part, the most part, wants him to tell me I’m a liar and ask for the real reason. And I think I want to tell him but I’m such a coward.

 

          Simon

**Well the distraction is over**

**You know what I think it will help me to just tell you how I feel**

**Even if you dont fucking care**

**I was happy we were talking, well I thought we were friends**

**I fucking like you Baz**

**And now I just feel like shite**

**But you know what? Im not even that surprised because why would you want to talk to me? You hate me because im poor. Well fuck you.**

**Bye**

Seen 01:28

 

I’m actually so choked by what just happened, what he just said to me that I don’t fully realise that I fucked up everything in what? half an hour. But after rereading those text for the 3rd time I just start sobbing and cry myself to sleep.

 

          Penicillin

Basilton you fucking cunt

_I’m really not in the mood Bunce_

Fuck if I care about your fucking mood

Simon is a mess

To the point that he actually let me read the messages

What the fuck is wrong with you?

_I don’t know_

What?

_I don’t know what’s wrong with me_

Look

I love you

And I hate that you don’t feel like you can tell him the truth or whatever but you can’t just talk to the guy and then act like you did yesterday. 

_I know I fucked up, but I didn’t know what to say. I was too nervous to go see him now that we are_

_We were talking_

_I couldn’t say that_

_Maybe it’s for the best._

_He’s upset because he wants everyone to like him. He’ll get over it in no time._

NO HE WONT

You are such a moron I cannot deal with you right now.

Seen 08:44

I can’t deal with her shit right now so...

 

          Penicillin

Look bazzy I’m sorry I yelled at you. I just don’t know how to deal with you two being so oblivious about each other. Please believe me when I say that Simon cares about you. Please, for the sake of us all, tell him you’re sorry and explain the real reason why you couldn’t go to Watford.

_Haha lol no not going to happen_

I’m not telling you to confess your undying love but just tell him you were nervous to go to the campus or whatever and you felt stupid so you didn’t tell the truth? 

Seen 11:12

 

Why didn’t I think of that yesterday? One should always have Penelope Bunce to consult at any time. I feel like my body and my brain are on fire. I want to get out of this mess, but I’m paralysed by fear.

 

          Penicillin

Baz??

I am sorry, really. I love you. Please talk to me.

_Penny it’s alright_

_It’s not you it’s me..._

HAHAHAHA bloody idiot

_That I know._

_I’ll try to think of something to tell him but I’m fucking scared._

I know. I also know you are fucking brave.

Seen 11:37

 

          Simon

_~~Dear Simon,~~ _

_~~Hello Snow,~~ _

_~~Snow look I’m hopelessly in love with you please forgive me~~ _

_Simon, I am writing to tell you how sorry I am. I apologies for my behaviour yesterday, for not coming to see you in Watford but I also want to apologies for the whole last year. I have been nothing but horrible to you and I would never forgive myself for that. I do not expect you to either, but I wanted you to know that it has nothing to do with you. Well, yes it has to do with you, but it is nothing you did wrongly. I have always seen you as patient, nice, warm, charming, clever and fucking brave. However, Simon, I have not been able to show any of that because I am disturbed, I am dysfunctional, when it comes to human interactions I am a mess. Because I did not know how to be with you, because you impress me, I did what I do best. I pushed you away and put my snob face on. It was easier yes but do not think it was easy. It fucking hurt to see you and not smile, to hear your jokes and not laugh, to talk to you and not tell you how I want to know everything about you. The last few months, being able to talk to you through my phone, have made me happier than I have been for years. I felt free and I felt understood. When you asked me to come see you I freaked out because I was ruminating all those theories about how you will realise that you actually don’t want to talk to me. Anxiety made me sick, literally (the proper literally), I just couldn’t come, so I lied. I am sorry I did. All this doesn’t excuse my behaviour, but I hope it does explain it a little bit._

Seen 23:12


	7. It’s cute though

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the very late update. I want to thank all the people reading and particularly those who keep reading! You don't even know how important that is to me.
> 
> I kept going back to that chapter, it's kind of a transition and i had a lot of trouble writing it. 
> 
> <3

It’s been almost 24 hours since I sent that bloody text. I mean I was sure he wouldn’t reply but I don’t know... What hope can do to people that’s just untasteful. Still I haven’t left my bed, I’m watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer because it always clears my mind. But not this time apparently. When I feel my phone vibrates I almost not look at it. I’m sure it’s just some news or a text from Daphne, my step mother. Of course, curiosity and also just habits make me look it up. And it’s a text from Simon. My blood runs cold and my hands are trembling. All I can hear is my heart beating.

 

          Simon

**Ok so I’ve been thinking on how to answer your last text but couldn’t figure it out. So I’m just going to not answer. If that’s alright????**

**Oh except this, I do think you are a real snob, it’s not just a face u put on, but it doesn’t mean I don’t like it.**

**And I actually dont care if its not alright with you that I dont answer.**

Seen 22:28

 

Holly shit. I didn’t even realise I was up from my bed. I feel like jumping around in my flat but I’m not sure the neighbours would like it. But what does this mean? That he forgives me? Surely it can’t be that easy. And did he say he liked my face? No. No, he didn’t I’m just reading too much into that text. Well I have read that text too many times and I need to answer I need to show him that I won’t let him down again. Shit he is texting me again I really need to answer but I’m freaking out.

 

          Simon

**So did you go to the game last Saturday?**

_I did yes that was great._

**Cool! I saw it at the pub** **J**

_Nice. Who were you with?_

**Usual. Penny, Ags and Clem.**

_Ok. I understand you don’t want to answer my text but are you sure we’re alright._

**Yep.**

**Althouuuuugh**

**I might, you know, remind you from time to time that you owe me and ask for favours.**

_I owe you?_

**Sure you do, for hurting me and shit ;)**

_I’m not doing your French homework._

**Shit. How did you know**

_I know you Snow._

Seen 22:39

I am probably going to die of happiness. Tonight. Oh well Je mourrai trop heureux mourant d’un coup si beau as they say here.

 

          Simon

**Penny told me that your hair was very long now and that you put them in a bun.**

**I’m very curious do you think I could get a pic?**

Seen 22:40

 

Yep. Definitely dying.

 

          Simon

_Well I don’t know I think selfie should always be fair you know. Like if I send you one you need to send me one too._

**Haha well okay but my hair is the same so don’t be too disappointed.**

Seen 22:41

 

I really don’t know when and how I got so bold. I’m just dizzy from joy. Really, it’s how he thinks I would ever be disappointed with a picture of him. He could send me a picture of his nails and I would probably faint. Okay I need to take a picture of myself, but I hate doing it. Also, I haven’t left the room for 2 days and have been crying a lot so... But I mean I don’t need to look good he doesn’t care, he’s straight. Fuck it I still want to look good. I redo by bun a thousand time and take a million ugly pic.

 

          Simon

**Is it that hard to choose among the thousands you have on your phone?**

_Fuck you Snow._

_Attached photo sent_

Seen 23:12

 

          Simon

**Baz are you in a Sauna?**

_What?_

**I don’t know**

**You look a little more pink than I remember**

**It’s cute though.**

_I am not in a Sauna I was doing some exercise that’s all._

**Oh ok ! Sorry I didn’t want to break your routine ;)**

_And what about my selfie?_

**Oh shit sorry wait a sec.**

Seen 23:12

 

I am so fucking weak, but I decided that I don’t care. Fuck forgetting Simon Snow. Those last days made me realise that a life without him altogether is so much worse than pining but enjoying his conversation. All this is confirmed when I receive his selfie. He is lying on his fucking bed. Oh if he knew what he is doing to me. I have an instant boner. It’s like he read my mind from across the channel a took the most perfect picture of him.

He is wearing a black t-shirt with the sleeves cut out and I can see his full biceps. One of his arms his holding the phone and the other one is up around his head and his hand is holding at his curls a little bit. I can see his full arm and how it is muscular and covered in moles. I want to lick it from up to down and back and I want to sleep on it in the afternoon and I want it nonchalantly around my waist when we are at the pub and... well I should stop the fantasy here. But his face! He has this small private smile that I have never seen directed at me before. This makes me realise that maybe this was not a selfie for me, it’s probably a picture he’s got on his phone, that he took for someone else, for some girl. I sat back on my bed. I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that he probably didn’t take the picture for me because he will never like me this way or the way I am able to ruin every happy moment I have in my life by just thinking. I look at his blue eyes, he looks so kind and warm. I don’t want this to be spoiled by my bad mood, so I just stop looking at it. For now.

 

          Simon

_Snow why would you cut your t-shirt sleeves? Do the 6 inches on each side bothered you that much?_

**HAHAHAHA No.**

**It’s like a fashion statement.**

_Sorry? Did you just talk about fashion? Have you seen your clothes Snow?_

**Oh fuck you Baz! Everyone does it at the gym and I felt stupid with them on.**

_I thought you had more personality than that Snow. Peer pressure got you down and cutting your clothes._

**Like fashion is not always peer pressure?**

_No it isn’t. It’s art._

**Yeah whatever Pitch. You are wearing suits to Uni because you were influenced by other people. They think that it’s how you should dress when you are a posh boy so you do it. But really its the same.**

_I don’t know what you are talking about._

_Fashion is art._

_Check Alexander Mcqueen please._

**Oh wow ok this guy is amazing!**

**Why would you show me an amazing person and he’s just dead?**

_You’ve never heard of dead people before Snow?_

**I did. You know I did. But it’s just, ok nevermind, you know, feelings**

Seen 23:10

**So Bazzy, when are you coming back to Watford?**

_I don’t know._

_Why?_

**I guess I wanna see you.**

**If you do want to see me this time ;)**

_I’ll let you know Snow._

_I mean I’ll let you know when I’m coming back._

_Not_

_You know._

**I got it don’t stress!**

**Cool ! Okay I’m going to bed ! Good night sweet Bazzzz**

_Goodnight Simon._

Seen 23:12

 

And we just keep going, keep talking. More than ever, most of the day (I still need to do a lot of work) and all evenings, sometimes all night. He started sending me pictures of our friends, of Watford and most importantly of him. It’s an incredible feeling, having pictures just for me and not just seeing insta stories. Also, I can keep them and look at them as much as I want without the problem of screenshots. It can be terribly hard as well because as much as I love being in Paris I miss my friends and I miss Watford. And fuck I miss Simon. There is one I can’t stop looking at: it’s him outside in the Watford gardens with penny clearly explaining something about a flower. She is looking right at it, with her arms probably moving from the explanation (they are blurry). And he is staring at the camera, looking amused about Penny, about being outside talking about flowers, about not listening to her and knowing what’s coming when she realises, he looks so happy to be alive. He is wearing a light purple beanie with Watford embroidered in green, his hair must be long because I can see curls getting out of it everywhere. The picture was taken in February, but the bastard is never cold, he is only wearing a yellow jumper with a little black S on his chest. Black jeans, really dirty white trainers. Overall, it’s a mess, the colours don’t go together, the jumper is way too big for him and I’m scolded him that he should be at least wearing a scarf. But. But it’s absolutely and terribly Simon. I can’t get over the fact that this amazing sunshine of a human being is talking to me.

 

I have completely given up on not thinking about him, obviously, but it has also gone worse. Now I can’t stop thinking of how it’s going to be, me and him at Watford now that we are friends. I day dream about him hugging me, looking at me with a knowing look, sharing thoughts over coffee, touching my arm when we laugh together. Because he is so funny. Knowing him from a distance was actually missing a lot of things that make me love him even more. Now that I think about it. that was maybe a good idea not to talk to him? Because now what can I do? I am more in love than ever and he still doesn’t want me. I try my best not to cross the line of thinking about what it would be like to be with him, to kiss him, to be in his bed. Well sometimes even my best it not enough. But I guess my daydreaming is going to stop pretty soon since I’m going back to Watford for a week. Tomorrow. And I’m going to see Simon Snow.


	8. You didn’t say it back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz is back in Watford !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so... I am so terribly sorry for those who waited for this new chapter. I really have trouble believing that there are some people, you, real, amazing, human beings, who are loving my fic enough to wait for it. So just, wow, i can't thank you enough and this chapter is for you, with all my love.
> 
> I had trouble deciding where i wanted this to go and i really hope you enjoy it! Now that i'm decided I will write the rest way quicker I promise.

I am on my way to see my friends and Simon. I actually am. Well Simon is my friends but, in my head, it’s still them and him. I am so nervous my hands are shaking. This really needs to stop. Of course, my train is late, so I’ll be late which is horrible. I don’t like being late, I hate it. I wanted to prove to Simon that I really cared about seeing him and now he will think that I’m just late. I don’t know he probably doesn’t care anyway.

 

          Simon

**Hey so we are in a booth getting drinks!**

_I am sorry I am late._

**No worries Baz I’m just telling you so you find us easily**

**I am so fucking exited!**

_I am here in 15_

Seen 18:10

 

It’s really hard to walk that fast without running but I still have some dignity left. Not much but still. When I get into the Pub, I see them immediately. How can he think I would not find them easily when he is brighter than the sun? Just sitting there smiling shily to Dev. Also, Penelope has blue hair now. My legs are moving before I can think and run away. I feel like there is something down in my throats, but I put my best bored my face on. It’s only when I get closer that I realise there is someone sitting between Penelope and Simon. Clem. Penny sees me first and jump from her sit to hug me. I close my eyes when she puts her arms around me, I guess I didn’t realise how much I needed this. Being with people you are comfortable with is so underrated, it’s one of the best feeling in the world. When I open my eyes again Simon is still sitting at the far end of the booth, stuck between his friend and the wall. I can see he’s trying to get up a little, but the other guy is not moving. He simply extends his hand for me to shake.

“ _Hi Basilton, I’m Clem._

_-Yes, good evening, nice to meet you.”_

The bastard is still not moving, I wish I could know how Simon is feeling about this but I’m so afraid of looking his way. I am afraid that I see hatred like the last time I was him in real life, or he could be smiling, and I would probably faint. I don’t know I’m just terrified. Dev and Niall are up in no time, giving me a good distraction. We exchange a few words about the train and weather, but I can feel Simon watching me, so I turn my head, and everything just stops. He is so much more beautiful that I remembered. His blues eyes are piercing into my soul I swear to god. He shakes his head slightly and say a small but deep “ _Hi Baz_ ” and I think I just made a guttural sound but thanks to Agatha no one hears it. She is back from the bar, holding up a few drinks and she’s hugging me too. It’s kind of awkward. I hear Simon speaking again.

“ _Right, I was waiting for Baz to take a drink because he owes me. Clem do you mind_?”

Clem rolls his eyes but moves quickly, I don’t know what’s his deal but I’m tired of him already. I don’t have the time to think about that because Simon Snow his standing in front of me, looking as uncomfortable as I am. He is looking right into my eyes, but I can see he’s fidgeting. Because I can’t look in his eyes any longer, I lower my gaze. Yep. Bad idea. His body is really close and perfectly wrap in a black T-shirt.

“ _Oh good you left the sleeves on this one.”_ I say just to justify my staring. Thank god he chuckles.

_-Yeah well, I though I’ll make the effort when the Queen of France to us the honour of being here._

_-Thank you Snow but France does not have a Queen._

_-Or maybe I want to chop you head off? Come on Marie-Antoinette I want a beer_

- _I still don’t know why I’m paying for you Snow?_

- _You owe me._

_-I’m sorry what?_

_-Don’t act like you don’t know_. _I won the bet, you were fucking top of your class. In France._ ”

I follow him to the bar. It’s a strange feeling, it’s almost like nothing of what’s happening right now is real. He orders his drink and I barely manage to just ask for the same without knowing what’s his getting. I am in no capacity to act normally. Suddenly everything is very, very warm because Simon Snow moves his body even closer to mine and says:

“ _Hi Baz._

_-You said that already_

_-Well you didn’t say it back. Also, it was across a table it doesn’t count._

_-Hi Simon_.”

At this, he goes the most beautiful shade of pink and tilt his head. I don’t know what to do, my mind is screaming. I don’t have the time to think more because our beers are ready. Simon takes both beers and I follow him back to the table, which gives me an amazing view of his arse. When we get back, I am careful not to sit too close to him otherwise I won’t be able to think at all and just make a fool of myself. Once we’re settled, I feel myself relaxing (and fucking happy for British beer). The evening goes as I hoped all my life went. Calm, warm and funny. It’s amazing to be here with my friends and be talking to Snow. In no time we are talking like we are texting, and maybe at some point I attempt to flirt because Penelope is rising her eyebrow at me.

When we say goodbye outside of the Pub, I’m tipsy enough to just hug Simon. I’ll probably regret this tomorrow and think about it for the rest of my life, but he is so warm and he smells so good. It’s not more than a second but he still puts one hand between my shoulder blades. Maybe I won’t regret it after all, but I will still think about it for the rest of my life.

 

I see Simon every day of the week. Never only him though. But it’s still amazing, it’s even better than what I’ve imagined. Thursday afternoon we’re having coffee in what I know now to be our favourite coffee shop. Penny is so engrossed in her book that she barely notices us. And I just spend 4 hours talking to Simon about everything and nothing. We are whispering so he keeps getting closer, smiling so softly. I can feel myself being soft as well, and so, so weak. I keep touching his arm, and even if it’s not skin to skin (of course the only day he would be wearing long sleeves would be today) but I can feel my hand and my cheeks burning every time. We are so close I can really count all his moles and see the curve of his lips. I should stop staring like this, but I want to register everything before I go back. Before I have to leave without knowing when I’ll see him, or even if I’ll see him again. I cannot enjoy fully my week because I have this feeling in the back of my head that something terrible will happen, that I will fuck up everything again and Simon will just stop talking to me.

“ _Oh! by the way Baz I have something for you_!”

Simon cuts my thoughts and reaches for something in his jeans pocket which is, well, interesting, because he struggles a bit and that lowers the jeans a little bit so I can see part of his hip bone. I might just burst into flames. He extracts an USB stick.

“ _Here, it’s for you._

_-What is it?_

_-It’s just… It’s a playlist._

_-You- You made me a playlist Snow?_

_-Well yes but like just stuff, I don’t know, stuff we have been listening and I was sad you were missing out. I actually don’t know why I did that sorry…”_

 He reaches for the stick, but I close my hands around it. Which is for the better because I’m shaking.

“ _No! It’s mine now. And, well th-thank you Simon, this is… Thank you.”_

Wow, I used to be a good speaker, but I guess that was before Simon Snow thought about me while listening to music and then made me a playlist. I can see him relax and smile. Oh god, that boy.

 “ _Okay. Well some of them are on the playlist for tomorrow night_!”

 

Oh yes, the flat party.

 

          Simon

**ARE YOU EXXXXXITED**

_Are you drunk already, Snow?_

**Am not**

**Fuck you**

**I’m just really happy to have this party and that you’ll be there**

_Well, I was there to a lot of parties in our flat before._

_Your flat._

_The flat._

**Yeah, but it’s not the same is it?**

**Or are you planning to not talk to me like good ol’ times?**

_No. I am planning to “not talk” to everybody. You’re not special._

**IM EXXXXXXITED**

_God._

Seen 17:49

 

I have no idea what to wear and what to do when I get there. There will be so many people, drunk people. Oh my god drunk Simon is awfully cuddly. I need to prepare myself for a full night of watching him touching every single person in the room.

 

          Simon

**Where are you Bazzy?**

_Now you are definitely drunk._

**I am not you are so annoying**

**Where are you Tyrannus?**

_No need for that!_

_Downstairs, chill._

Seen 21:18

 

Oh lord if _I_ could chill that would be amazing. I’m standing in front of the door. For 5 full minutes now, just listening to the party starting on the other side. I’m not sure I can recognise the music or the voices because I can only hear my heart beating in my chest. Come on Pitch! Get a grip. I have seen him every day this week how is tonight different? Probably because my flight is tomorrow. And god knows when I will be able to rest in sunshine that is Simon Snow gaze. I am about to get in or get away when I hear Agatha’s voice in the corridor.

“ _Hey Baz_. She purrs

- _Hello, Agatha, how are you?_

_-Were you waiting for someone?_

_-What? Ah. No._

_-Look I don’t want things to be weird… Simon and I… we were never meant to be together romantically. He is all yours._

_-What? He’s not mine._

_-Yeah okay sure_. She says dryly.

_-I absolutely don’t know what you are talking about Wellbelove. We are just friends. I don’t even know if I would call us friends.._

_-Oh shut up Baz_! She cuts me, laughing as she opens the door, without even knocking and just enters.

 

When the door is fully open, I can see Simon, holding a big glass and looking straight at me.

“ _BAZ YOU’RE HERE_

 _-I’m here too arsehole_ , says Agatha hugging him quickly before going straight to the kitchen.

- _Good evening Snow._ ” I say quickly, trying to regain composure after that weird talk with Agatha. 

In a split of a second, he is in front of me, beaming, and I almost close my eyes because this is too much. He is too beautiful and too… shiny. He is wearing a bright yellow t-shirt with a sunflower painted.

 “ _Van Gogh_ , I whisper

- _Yeah_ , he says slowly, pulling at his shirt to look at it like he had forgotten it. _Do you… do you like it?_

- _Yes._ Why am I whispering???

- _Cool! Come on let’s get you a drink_!”

I follow him to the kitchen. There is already quite a lot of people, most I know and it’s excruciating to say hellos and how have you been. But Simon stands by my side, just looking at me and our friends and smiling. At some point I make a joke and he puts his hand on my shoulder laughing and it just occurred to me that drunk-touchy Simon could actually be drunk-touching me. I’m living a charmed life.

 

The evening goes so much better that I expected. After a while we only talk in our small group of friends, close friends. Penny is giving us all the gossip among the teachers because she is now assisting one of our younger Professor. How weird to realise those people are humans too? Replacement guy, Clem, is kissing a girl on the couch and I don’t know why (lie, I do know why) but I feel relieved. Simon is sitting on the kitchen counter and I’m leaning into it, both hands flat on it behind me. When Penelope leaves to pee and Dev and Niall go dancing, I can feel Snow’s pinkie finger touching mine. And I freeze. How can he be able to do this to me and also what does that mean? I am so glad I had a few drinks because otherwise I could not explain how red I must be. He doesn’t say anything just leaves his hand touching mine. I feel like there is someone putting both feet on my chest.

Eventually someone comes to get something in the cupboard behind me. When I move, I’m thinking of escaping to the bathroom to compose myself, but Simon grabs me by the wrist and twirl me into being in front of him. Which means I have to be kind of in between his legs. I shift from foot to foot and he let go of my arm. I’m happy to see that he is blushing too, at least I’m not alone. He smiles at me shyly before speaking.

“ _You are not driving home tonight._

_-Well no that would be dangerous._

_-You can stay here of course. I feel like this is still you flat as well._

_-Thank you Snow. I will sleep on the couch._

_-Come on no, it’s going to smell terrible. And I know you are very sensitive baby when it comes to smell. Particularly my bad smell after practice_.”

He laughs louder than required. If he knew how he makes me feel, and how I actually adore the smell of his sweat, I just want to lick it, lick his whole body. I’m disturbed.

_“You can just sleep in my room…_

_-I’m sorry?_

_-I mean I can sleep on the floor!_

_-No. I’m not sleeping in your bed Snow._

_-Ok then you can sleep on the floor._

_-I agree about the smell... I’ll just go back to Niall’s, it’s fine._

_-Well if this is what you want._ He says, sounding offended.

- _What are you on about, Snow?_

_-Nothing._

_-Ok._

_-You’re leaving tomorrow._

_-I am._ He rolls his eyes at me. But I honestly don’t know what’s going on.

- _Don’t you want to stay? We could talk until you have to go tomorrow._

_-I’ve seen you every day of the week.”_

I want to stay, why am I being like this? I hate myself. Also, this is probably for the best, Simon doesn’t want me the same way I want him. What’s the point? I suddenly really, really want to get out of here, out of in between Simon Snow legs, and away from his warmth and his smell and his smile. I almost forget I was being a dick to him a second ago, but he definitely has not.

“ _Okay you know what Baz?_ _Fuck off_ ! _I am so tired of you not being able to deal with this, with us talking. What do you want from me? Because I am so confused. If you don’t want to talk to me just say it, please just stop and…_

_-Simon. I’m sorry. I-I did it again didn’t it?_

_-Yeah. I knew it was a good idea to put Britney in your playlist.”_

And just like that everything feels light again, and we laugh really hard at how stupid we are, well how stupid I am actually. He leans in and puts his head on my chest, still laughing pretty hard. And I feel so brave for the second time in my life, when it comes to Simon, and put my arms around his shoulders and my hands on his back. It’s probably thanks to the amazingly sweet playlist he made, for me, that I assume I can just do this.

I feel, more than I hear him, humming. He puts his arms around my waist and hold me closer and closer until I touch the counter. He moved his head, still touching my chest, until he his resting on my shoulder. His nose is touching my throat and I am afraid he will hear how my heart is hammering. I am so glad that my pelvis is touching a cold surface right now.

“ _Citrus and Bergamot_ , he murmurs,

- _What?_ I whisper back. It’s amazing how we can hear each other with that much noise around but it feels like we are alone, in a bubble.

_-You always smell like citrus and bergamot._

_-And you smell like scones.”_

He moves his head up to glare at me, but he is smiling, so I smile too. Suddenly Because the Night by Patti Smith is playing, it’s one of the songs in the playlist. He jumps from the counter quickly and our whole bodies are touching, from feet to shoulders, not such a cold flat surface anymore. He blushes hard before moving quickly away from me but takes my hand to guide me to where people are dancing. Penny shrieks when she sees us. She looks at our intertwined fingers and winks, but I don’t know if it’s to Simon or I.

“ _Oh my god what was that sound from my mouth_ , she yells _, I must be very drunk! Dance with me, men of my life!”_

And so, we dance and sing together, well it’s more like we dance and scream than anything else. After several songs I realise there are almost no one left in the flat. It’s just the 3 of us dancing and touching more than we would have if we were sober. Niall, Dev and Agatha are laughing at something on Niall’s phone. Dev realises I’m watching him and that seems to decide him to leave. Snow has put some slow song and the volume down and everyone is saying goodbye.

“ _So where are you staying tonight_? Asks Dev, and I glance at Simon who is looking right at me, waiting for my answer.

- _I think I’m going to stay here tonight. You know one night in my old flat, it’s fun_. I have never used the world fun without irony, not once in my life, Dev just shakes his head.

- _Yeah right, fun. Have a good night cousin_.”

They are all out in two minutes, with a full minute hug from a drunk Penny that I can’t wait to remind her tomorrow.

 

I am instantly nervous when I look at Simon, because he looks incredibly nervous himself. He turns around and just goes to his room, so I follow him, I don’t really know what to do else. When I’m inside I have this weird coming home feeling because it’s exactly the same room that I had back here, except for all the photos and the clothes on the floor. Oh yeah and the huge bisexual flag hanging at the window. I never went inside Simon rooms before, but I’m pretty sure that was not here last year.

 “ _Here, you could use this as pyjamas… I-I’m going to get chance in the bathroom_.” He almost runs out of the room. I get change quickly but I’m shaking. I am wearing Simon Snow clothes. There are too large for me but so comfy I feel extremely sleepy. I sit down at the edge of his chair (the rest is occupied by Uni papers). When he comes back, he is wearing one of his signature sleeves cut T-shirt and I might just swoon.

“ _Soooo I was thinking we could talk a little bit before going to sleep_. He says, calmer than before.

- _It’s 3 in the morning, Snow._

_-You leave tomorrow._

_-Yes, and quite early so the more reason to go to sleep._

_-Or the more reason to talk before you go back to France._

_-Talk about what?_

_\- I don’t know… Did you enjoy the party?_

_-Yes,_ I say rolling my eyes.

 _-Please come sit on the bed with me_.”

And I fucking do. I would do anything for him, this moment feels like there’s electricity or magic between us. I feel my skin on fire, like if he touched me, I would just burst in flames but at the same time I feel at ease, and warm. I’m telling him about how I saw huge demonstrations in the streets of Paris and how it made me hopeful and scared because it is actually how I feel right now with him. Well I won’t tell him that part. He lies down and I automatically lie down to face him, he keeps smiling at me, so I try really hard not to look at his lips. The problem is if I look directly into his eyes, I am incapable of speaking, and lying down face to face like we are means I can’t just look somewhere else than his beautiful tawny face. After a long moment of silence, he whispers “ _Okay I need to drink like two litters of water I think, I’ll be back in a sec. Do not fall asleep Bazzy_ ”. I hear the door close, I close my eyes for a second. And I fall asleep.


	9. Okay I’ll start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely readers.   
> First, thanks to all, and I do mean ALL, of you for reading!   
> Second, special thanks to the most incredible human beings commenting!  
> Third, sorry if that chapter is short but I want to update more often and I felt like it was the end of the chapter.

I wake up panicking. I don’t know what’s happening and I don’t know where I am. After a few seconds I realise that Simon Snow is staring at me, smiling, his hands shaking my shoulder lightly. I am either dead or still asleep then.

 

“ _Hey Baz, I made you tea, but I don’t know if you’ll have time to drink it. I’ve been trying to wake you up for 20 minutes…_

_-What??_

_-Yeah sorry, it’s 8:30 and I know you have to leave early._

_-Fucking hell_ ”

 

He smiles softly and hand me the mug anyway. I sit in the bed, in his bed (oh god). I realise than my shoes are off and that I’m under a really comfy duvet. I was definitely not under a duvet last night. I take a sip of the tea Simon fucking Snow made for me and I almost laugh at how perfect that man is. It’s exactly how I always take my tea, with milk and honey. How the fuck does he know that? It doesn’t matter. I need to catch my train and I suddenly feel like I need to be away from all this domesticity, or I will just do something stupid like saying I love you or kiss him. I’m out of the flat in less than 10 minutes. Simon hugged me quickly but I’m too stressed by my lateness to acknowledge it. As soon as I sit in the train my brain starts functioning properly again and I realise that I might have been a bit rude when I left, but when I check my phone, I have several messages from Simon. I sigh way more loudly than I should because the person sitting next to me gives me a side eye.

 

          Simon

**I hope you get your train!**

**Tell me when it’s good**

**I mean when you are on the train haha**

**It was really good seeing you Baz, I hope you come back soon**

**And I can’t wait for next year!**

**Because you will be back full time** **J**

_It was good seeing you too._

_I’m on the train._

**Thank god! Tell me when you’re home**

Seen 14:18

 

Being back in Paris is weird because I felt like I was home when I was in Watford. When I came back in the UK and stayed at my father’s house it didn’t feel like coming home, and I just wanted to go back to France as soon as possible. It was not the same in Watford, I felt comfortable and, well, happy. Which is weird for me, to at least realise that I was actually happy somewhere.

 

          Simon

_I am home._

**Cool!**

**Not too tired?**

_I am okay. I slept pretty well actually._

_By the way where did you sleep?_

**Clem’s room.**

_What?_

**He always leaves it open, he wasn’t there.**

_Okay. I mean you can do whatever you want._

**Oh I know. Thanks Baz I really needed you to grant me freedom.**

_Fuck you._

**Well I didn’t get to do what I wanted anyway since you fell asleep.**

_Ah. And what was it you wanted to do?_

**hummmmm talk?**

_You seem unsure._

**What did you want to do?**

_What? This is not the question Snow. I wanted to sleep, and I did._

**Okay then if it’s what you wanted then it’s fine.**

_It’s fine?_

_Are you okay?_

Seen 21:18

What is it about this boy that makes me sound so stupid all the time? It’s like I’m stuck on saying “what?” which I never do. Ever. Also, I have no clue what is happening right now but I’m frightened. After a couple of minutes, he just sends me the meme “this is fine” with the stupid dog having coffee in the middle of a fire. I can’t help but laugh out loud.

 

          Simon

_Are you the dog, Snow?_

**I am always the dog.**

_Nice hat._

**Cheers mate**

_No but really, are we okay. I don’t understand what you are on about._

**We’re okay don’t worry. I’ll let you sleep you need it u party monster**

**Good night Baz**

_Good night, Simon._

21:25

 

I go back to my routine pretty quickly and the feeling of missing home goes away slowly. I still miss my friends, and Simon, despite the fact that we are texting all day. I try to visit all the museums I can think of, I realised that I might be leaving in only months and I need to get out of the house more often. It keeps my mind busy as well, so I don’t spend my day lying in bed thinking about the way Simon hugged me in the kitchen.

 

          Penicillin

Okay love, we need to talk.

_Hello to you too Bunce. What do you want?_

Always so lovely Pitch.

_You’re the one to talk._

We need to talk about Simon.

_Snow?_

Oh boi

_Sorry, okay, right. Has something happen?_

Well you tell me.

_Then I would say no._

Come on! Don’t do this to me! We are childhood friend you owe me secrets.

_I owe you no such thing. But, also, there are no secret, sorry._

Okay so you just cuddled in the kitchen, danced, and when I say danced, I do mean in the grinding way, and then you slept at his place. And you have nothing to tell me??

_Did Simon say something to you?_

He didn’t! I have been trying to get info for two weeks and he just says that nothing happened, and you fell asleep quickly.

_Well, here you go, no secret to tell._

BUT

BAZ

YOU MORRON 

WHY?

_Look, Penny, you know he cuddles when he’s drunk but that’s it. It’s not like I would take advantage of his drunkenness._

But YOU don’t get it boy! He was not drunk, he had like 2 beers. He told me he was staying sober so he could have “quality time with you” whatever that means. He asked you to stay in his room and YOU FELL ASLEEP.

_This does not mean he wants me in a romantic or even physical kind of way. I told him I liked him in my apology text, okay? If he liked me back, he just had to make a move._

Well I’m pretty sure asking you to sleep in his bed was a move. Or do you get this kind of offer on a daily basis in France? Made you forget what it meant in your mother land? 

AND DO NOT START ON THE WHOLE STRAIGH THING

_No, I saw the bisexual flag._

_Not all men attracted to boys are to me._

Did you just say not all men?

_Fuck I did._

You stupid fuck. 

Also have you look in a mirror recently? I’m pretty sure that yes, all men are attracted to you.

_I know I’m terribly handsome and stylish, but Simon doesn’t want someone like me, that’s all._

I can see that I will not change your mind. 

_Probably not!_

Okay talk to you later babe.

_Talk to you soon, please._

Seen 12:48

I don’t understand why Penny is pushing this. She must know that Simon is not interested in any romance with me. And frankly the more time pass the more it’s easy for me to accept it. That I will only have a part of him, as a friend. Well it’s probably easier when I am away because as amazing as that week was, it was getting harder and harder to resist touching him all the time. I don’t know what I would do if I ever lived in that flat again. Maybe I should just stay in Paris for ever and perhaps I can actually forget him. Not forgetting he exists but forget how I love him.

 

          Simon

_What are you up to tonight?_

**Nothing much tbh**

_What, on a Friday night?_

**Why? What are YOU up to?**

**Hanging out with beautiful French men?**

_As a matter of fact, I am._

**Good for you mate. Why are you texting me then?**

_I didn’t know I had to have a reason._

Seen 23:23

 

          Simon

**You don’t. Sorry I’m just grumpy.**

_Sorry to hear that. What happen?_

**Nothing you would care about.**

_Snow. I am asking. Now, tell me._

**It’s just me being me, thinking at all the things I did in my life that have led me to that moment.**

_What moment?_

**Well that one. Me in my bed on a Friday night thinking about what I should have done and not have done.**

_Wow I did not know you were so deep. I thought you were against thinking?_

**Well I usually am. I guess that’s why I’m grumpy.**

_What are you regretting?_

**I don’t want to bother you on your night out.**

_I lied. I’m home with a book._

**I don’t believe you.**

Seen 23:28

 

I send him a selfie of me in bed reading L’éducation sentimentale. It’s okay he’s just a friend. Friends send each other selfies, right? Even if they are in bed and if they took 1000 photos before finding one good enough. Right?

 

          Simon

**Fuck baz this does not help at all**

_I know. I’m very pretty it’s distracting._

**You are.**

Seen 23:30

 

I am so glad he can’t see my face right now. I am a mess, so far not so good on the just a friend thing, Basilton.

 

          Simon

**Sorry was that inappropriate?**

_Of course not, stop. What is going on with you?_

**Okay so I’m going to say something that will probably ruin our friendship or whatever you would call what’s going on. But I keep thinking about it, so I need to get it out of my chest and maybe I’ll be better.**

_Okay I’m listening. Whatever this is, Snow, I will still talk to you after it, I’m sure of it._

**Yeah well wait until you hear it**

**Or read it or whatever.**

**So the thing is baz, I like you. I really really like you in a way that I want to kiss you. And that’s what I can’t stop thinking about. About whether I should have kissed you the night of the party. You were just here lying in my bed being fucking beautiful and I was trying to find my words, and to find courage and then you fell asleep and now I feel like I will never know what could have happen and this is driving me insane.**

Seen 23:42

 

I think I stopped breathing, I sure did stop thinking. I am shaking and fuck I don’t know what to do. Is this a joke? Maybe his mates stole his phone? Maybe he is actually really drunk? But what if he isn’t and I act like it’s a joke and hurt him? Fuck.

 

          Simon

 **You don’t have to answer me baz. But please don’t pity me or anything I feel bad enough like this**.

_No wait I’m answering. I am really, really, answering. I need a minute._

Seen 23:55

 

Okay, time to be brave. Time to be like Clara facing the raven. Fuck I’m thinking in Doctor Who scene now, Simon is such a bad influence. But I love him, and he wanted to kiss me.  

 

          Simon

_It is definitely on the “should have done it” list. I would have kissed you back. I was sorry I fell asleep before but now it’s even worse. I feel like I have missed the most important moment of my life._

**Wow**

**Okay**

**I’m glad**

**Like fuck I want to kiss you right now**

_I want to kiss you too._

**Are you sure?**

_I am sure. I have wanted to kiss you for a very long time, Simon._

**Oh. I didn’t know that.**

_How dumb are you? I told you I liked you._

**Oh I’m glad you’re still mean to me, cheers**

**Also you could have meant as friends!**

_I don’t want to be your friend._

**Haha ok then me neither you little shit**

**I don’t know what to say now**

_Me neither._

**Are you smiling stupidly at your phone? Because I am.**

_Yes, me too. But don’t tell anyone or I’ll strangle you._

**You are so cute.**

Seen 00:12

 

I am pretty sure I’m dying because I don’t know how to breathe or how to slow my heart rate. Or how to bloody stop smiling.

          Simon

_You are probably really cute right now, but I would not know for sure._

**Are you just fishing for a selfie?**

_It’s what I do most times but apparently you haven’t notice._

_Also, you just got one and I didn’t. it’s only fair._

Seen 00:12

He sends me a picture of his face from closer that I ever seen it. I can see all his freckles and moles. He doesn’t even know how happy I am to have this photo with me, for ever.

 

          Simon

**So hummmmm**

**If you’ve wanted to kiss me since such a long time why were you such a dick to me?**

_I told you, you make me feel extremely nervous._

**Okay and what about when you were back? You were not nervous because you talked to me, and I was, right there, being very very obvious.**

_It was not obvious to me._

**Well all our friends beg to differ but okay**

_It’s just impossible for me to think you would want to kiss me. Even now I’m not quite sure I believe it._

**Come home and find out!**

**No but really wtf baz! You are the most confident person I have ever met. Even Penny has self-doubt sometimes (probably because of patriarchy…)**

_I don’t know what to tell you Snow. To me you are like the sun, you are so alive and so bright that it burns me. You are the sun and I am an ant in the middle of the desert._

**You are so not an ant, I see you more like a zebra.**

_A zebra?_

**Sorry you said something really beautiful and I didn’t know how to answer.**

_Ah okay._

**Baz you are amazing. You are bloody perfect! You do everything perfectly, literature, music, football, fucking lasagne! And you are incredibly hot, like, everyone is literally drooling.**

**I used to think I was jealous of you when I was actually jealous that you were so amazing you will end up with someone that would never be me. I am the ant of this story.**

_You are so not an ant, I see you more like an antelope._

**Did I say something nice then?**

_You did._

**Fuck I really need to go to sleep I have a seminar at 9 tomorrow.**

_Go to sleep then_

**But how can I?**

_I will stop talking to you_

_Good night Simon._

**Good night Baz. Dream of me!**

_Oh, I will._

Seen 00:39

I wake up the next morning already smiling. I can’t wait to talk to Simon again. After a minute I start panicking. Maybe it was all a dream? Maybe he was having a nervous breakdown and didn’t mean any of it? But I can’t ask. And I really don’t know what to text him… I need advices. I need to chill mostly. I go to class and ask Tom for help. He laughs at me when he reads the texts, but he gives me serious warning about boys just finding out they like men. He doesn’t know Simon, I know he would never tell me all this if he wasn’t sure. Well I hope he wouldn’t, but I guess I need to be prepared, just in case.

 

 

          Antelope

_How was your day?_

Seen 21:29

 

Very smooth, Pitch, very smooth indeed.

 

          Antelope

**Hey baz!**

**I had a good day thanks**

**I have to tell you… Pen read our texts. I’m sorry I tried to tell her vaguely what we talked about but she stole my phone and yelled that we owe her or whatever.**

**Sorry**

_It’s fine Snow, I’m not really surprised she read that._

**So, how was your day?**

_Pretty good._

Seen 21:31

 

I don’t really know where we go from here. It’s like I don’t know how to talk to him anymore.

 

          Antelope

**Sorry I had to go to sleep yesterday I felt like we were having a nice convo**

_Please don’t say convo._

**C**

**O**

**N**

**V**

**O**

_God I hate you._

**Sure bazure**

**I’m curious what would have happened if I kissed you**

**Yeah I know I am obsessed with re living that night sorry**

_It’s okay I’ve been thinking about it all day too_

**Oh have you?**

_Yes, it was not good for my concentration by the way_

**But now you’re free right?**

_Right._

**So let’s talk about it! What would have happened??**

_I told you, I would have kissed back._

**Yeah okay you’re no fun.**

_Are you asking for a description, Snow?_

**Hell yes I am.**

**Okay I’ll start.**


	10. This is difficult for me too you know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies,  
> I didn't know how and when to finish this chapter... I hope this is alright.  
> Thank you again to all the people reading and also commenting. You are more amazing than you will ever know !

My heart is racing. I cannot believe this is happening. To me. With Simon. Well I think _this_ is happening, we are kind of sexting. Not sexting it’s all sweet for now. But still this is better than everything I have ever dreamed of.

 

 

          Antelope

**So you know Im not good with words so please don’t make fun of me**

**Yeah so my plan was to put my hand on your cheek and then come closer slowly so you would have time to move, or punch me**

**And then I would have stop just before touching your lips to ask if it was okay**

**And I guess now I know that you would have said yes**

**So I would have kiss you just a little bit and wait for your reaction**

_And I would have pressed my lips harder on yours and reach for your shoulder with my hand_

**So I put my hand on your hip**

_And my body is moving on its own just getting closer to yours_

**I lick your lips with the tip of my tong**

_And I open my mouth to let you in and caress your tong with mine_

**Fuck baz this is torture**

_Sorry, do you want to stop?_

**Absolutely not but seriously my full body is hurting just thinking about all this**

_I know. I don’t know what to do with myself._

**Well I can tell you that feeling your tong in my mouth would have make my heart race and I would probably be hard by then (because I am now just talking about it). So I probably would have taken time to breathe and calm down.**

_Snow, how is this so easy for you? Talking like this? Experience?_

**What?**

Seen 22:11

Fuck why am I like this? I have everything I ever whished for. I am making Simon Snow hard just by texting for fuck sake. But of course, I need to get my insecure jealous self in the mix. God, I hate myself.

 

          Antelope

_Sorry Simon I’m just being stupid._

**Well yes you are.**

**You know I just told you not to make fun of me but you just can’t help it**

_I was not making fun of you I swear_

**Sure**

_No really Snow. I cannot believe this is happening and that you are actually real. That it is you on the other side of the phone._

_So, I had to ruin it because I’m disturbed. I freaked out._

**Okay.**

**Really it’s okay, it’s just**

**This is difficult for me too you know. You were awful to me for more time than you were nice and though I really, really, want you**

**I feel insecure. I’m always thinking that you might just tell me that it was all a joke, it was just to see how dumb I was or idk**

**I trust you most of the time but it’s hard to let go and I just did. I was thinking it was okay to relax and tell you all the things I should have told you before because I want you and I don’t want to waste more time**

**So I get that you are insecure too but those kinds of reaction really freak me out**

**Sorry if what Im saying is such a mess**

Seen 22:20

 

I am so fucking selfish. I am so focus on my own problems that I never realised how it was for Simon. I think about him every second, and I would literally die for him. But I never stop and thought about the consequences of all my actions on his self-confidence. He is so brave, and amazing and kind and I am just a piece of shit. So I tell him.

 

          Antelope

 _Snow, you are amazing, you are braver than I could ever be and more kind that I would ever deserve. I am just a piece of shit_.

**Okay I wouldn’t go that far**

_I would_

**We never agree on anything anyways**

_Except that I am terribly charming?_

**Okay fair point**

_But really Simon I am sorry. I know my behaviour is unacceptable and stupid_

**Look we all make mistakes, even you. You said sorry and I accept that. It’s fine** **J**

_Okay so well just so you know_

Seen 22:34

 

Okay Baz! Prove him you are worth it and you are not afraid.

 

          Antelope

**Yes??**

_I was hard too, just a moment ago._

_And if you were in front of me I would let you take a moment, but I will also tell you that this is fine. Because I have dreamt of this so many times, dreamt of you, of your skin. I would caress your cheek and slowly I would go down to your shoulder and follow your arm. I would take your hand and kiss your knuckles. But then I would put my hand on your hip and touch your skin just at the hem of your shirt and wait for your reaction._

**I would grip your arm to be sure you don’t move away from my skin**

**And start kissing you again and I would do all I can to be so close from you than all our bodies would be touching**

**I would grab your neck**

**I am losing my mind just thinking about this baz**

**Its hard to imagine all the things I would want to do because right now I want to do everything**

_Simon, I think I will need to touch myself you are driving me insane_

**Oh I am definitely touching myself right now thinking about what you are saying**

**I’m thinking about putting my leg between yours**

_Oh god yes_

**And just move against you**

**I know this is not sexy at all but seeing my state just talking about it I guess I would have come in my pants**

_Don’t you dare Snow, this is sexiest thing I have ever read._

_I think need amnit_

Seen 22:48

 

          Antelope

**I’m sorry did you need a minute?**

Seen 22:52

 

          Antelope

_Don’t be smug._

**I just made Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch misspell**

**I will be smug for ever**

_Yes, this is all your fault._

**Well I will need to clean my sheets and I hate laundry. And this is all your fault too.**

_I don’t even understand why I found this disgusting sentence sexy_

**Probably because it means I just had an orgasm thinking about you.**

_No, I do understand actually that was not really what I meant_

**I know im making fun of you.**

_Ah._

**You know im not as stupid as you think**

_Well…_

**Baz.**

_It’s just that I don’t think you are actually stupid. So, what you just said is still wrong._

**Omg you just complimented me! I’ll sext you more often.**

_And you had to destroy all that with “Omg”_

_But yes, please try again sometime._

**I will but now I feel very tired. I’ll make sure to dream of you.**

**Good night baz !**

_Goodnight Snow_

Seen 22:58

 

          Antelope

**Oh, and that was amazing.**

_Yes, it was._

Seen 23:02

I wake up smiling. I wonder how I will ever be able to concentrate on something else than Simon. But I must I have work to do. I take my phone to text him that I will be offline most of the day and see that I already have a text from him wishing me a good day. Of course, I suddenly have this horrible feeling that this is too good and that something very bad is going to happen, it has to happen. I close my eyes and remind myself that this is just anxiety, I focus on the memory of bronze curls, blue eyes and a smile like sunshine in spring. I don’t turn my phone online all day, I feel good about being serious, but I do look at his pictures more than once. When I go home my first thought (okay my second thought) is to text Penny because she was actually right, as always, and I need to say thank you for the support and shit.

          Queen Penny

_Hi Penelope,_

Bonjour Basilton,

_Hola Lupita,_

Ciao Basiltone,

Okay spill the T

_What on earth do you mean?_

You never texted just to say hello in tongs

What’s up?

_Didn’t Simon tell you?_

What on earth do you mean?

_Haha. Okay I hate (really hate) to say it but you were right. I should have said to Simon how I feel because he likes me too._

Well how surprising.

I cannot believe that one of you got the guts to say it though. It was him, wasn’t it?

_You really don’t know?_

No. Simon hasn’t said anything (he will pay for that). But I kind of guessed, he was very smiley-nicey today.

_Well he said he likes me and wanted to kiss me when I stayed after the party._

That does ring a bell, no? I feel like I’ve said this before???????????  
I’m pretending to be cold, but I am jumping around in my room. I am so happy for you two!

_Well I don’t know if there is a “us two” yet, I mean we text, but we haven’t, you know, seen each other since._

Oh, Simon just arrived. Should I ask him if you’re his boyfriend.

_Penelope, I swear to Satan I know where you hide your favorite copies of Pride and Prejudice_

I was kidding! No need to be personal.

But really you know?

_Let’s hope you never find out._

Seen 19:22

 

She first sends me a picture of Simon by the entrance of her room, holding a cup of tea in each hand and looking at her confused. He is wearing very tight dark blue trackies and a too large “Watford Boxing Club” sweatshirt. It’s a really good photo even though he looks lost, I mean it’s a good photo mainly because I can see him from head to toe.

 

          Queen Penny

How cute is your boy?

_Incredibly. Thank you for that, I will keep it forever._

Seen 19:34

 

She then sends me a selfie where she’s showing me her middle finger and Simon is smiling shyly, blushing a little bit. I hope he didn’t see my message. Or maybe I hope he did. I don’t have any message from either of them for hours as they must be having dinner together. It’s perfect because I had to meet my friends too tonight. I feel lighter than I have ever been, which means I am more open and trusting and I guess, smiling. I have a very good time and even enjoy being teased for being in love. Of course, I denied everything, so they spent the evening singing that bloody French song that goes on and on about lying because you _are_ in love. I hate it but I love it. However, my blood goes cold when I go home, and I have a message from Penny.

          Queen Penny

Baz, love, we have a problem.

_What is it? What’s wrong?_

Nothing irreparable don’t worry!

You remember saying to Si that you were in love with someone and that’s why you left for France?

_Hum yes, I guess I said that._

You were talking about him, right?

_Obviously._

Well it’s not obvious for him.

_What?_

He said he spent the day thinking about you and what you could possibly find interesting in him (yes, I rolled my eyes too) and then he remembered that you were actually in love with someone else.

_What an idiot. What did you say?_

That I was pretty sure you were talking about him, but I didn’t say anything about knowing about it of course. Mainly, I told him to talk to you about it.

_Thank you Pen, you are so bloody perfect._

_I don’t have any text from him. Should I be worry?_

I don’t think so! He was mainly disgustingly happy anyway.

_Okay thanks Penny. Have a good night._

Good Night bazzy bazz

You are missed.

Seen 23:12

 

          Si my sun

_Snow, how was your evening? I saw you were with Bunce._

**Hey baz! I’m so glad you texted**

**(yes I was waiting, I’m lame)**

**I had a very good time thanks. You?**

_I had a good one yes. Can I call you?_

**Now?**

_Yes, if that’s not a problem._

**No!**

**No please call I’ll be happy to talk to you.**

Seen 23:22

 

I don’t think I will ever go over the fact that he wants to hear from him. This is so alien to me. But I need to make him understand that there is only him in my life, and there will always be only him.

 

 

**“** _Hello?_

**_-_ ** _Hi Snow._

_-Hi Baz.”_

And just like that he fucking giggles and my heart expand in my chest.

 

“ _I want to be completely honest with you Snow. I hope that’s alright…_

_-Okayyyyy_

_-Yes. So, I need to tell you that I have been talking about you with Penelope._

_-Oh. She never said anything._

_-Yes, because she’s an amazing friend. But I have. And for a long time. Way longer than you imagine._

_-Okay Baz. I hope you said nice things_.”

 

I can hear the smile in his voice, it’s so sweet. How did I not think about calling him before? This is amazing.

 

“ _What I’m really trying to say Snow is that… hum how can I say this._

 _-Use your word Basilton_.”

 

He is full on laughing right now. I need to stop panicking and just say it.

 

“ _You remember when I told you why I left for France?_

_-Oh my god did Penny told you about what I said? I’m going to kill her. Look Baz I’m so sorry…_

_-No listen to me Simon. Let me finish. She did tell me but because she knows how wrong you are. And she knows you would never have told me what you were thinking. The thing is, Snow, you are the one I left Watford for. I-I couldn’t stand being around you anymore because of all the things you made me feel, that you still make me feel. And, well, I-I don’t know I thought that was quite clear, but it wasn’t. I want you to know I was talking about you. Only you.”_

There’s silence at the end of the line, I’m afraid this was too much and too soon, and he will freak out. I’m also afraid the call ended without me noticing.

 

“ _Snow?_

_-Y-yes sorry I’m here. I was trying to find what to say but I’m bad with words and I didn’t want to like… I don’t know. I don’t what to say._

_-Okay. It doesn’t matter you don’t have to say anything I understand if this is too much…_

_-No! No I don’t know what to say in a good way. I am so fucking relieved._

_-Okay then I am glad._

_-Yeah me too._

_-Okay. Well good night Snow._

_-Have a good night Baz. I miss you._

_-Uh… I miss you too Simon._

_-Bye_

_-Bye”_


	11. I mean that’s what boyfriends do, no?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it has been ages since the last updates and I am so sorry ! You probably forgot all about that story but i did not want to leave it without an ending! I don't like uneven numbers so there will be another, short, chapter. 
> 
> Thank you very very very much to all the people reading ! This is the most amazing feeling in the world!

Time has never gone so slowly. I feel like days last for weeks. Taking me at the slowest pace to seeing Simon again in 6 weeks. I don’t know why I ever though going away was a good idea. And now I’m stuck in France and their bloody mandatory classes every week. Neither Simon nor I are mentioning too much the fact that we are not seeing each other but is sucks. It sucks because I can only talk to him and not touch him but also because it makes this whole thing feels even more unreal. And not permanent. I mean I cannot just ask him if he wants to be my boyfriend when I did not see him once since we said how we felt. I need to kiss him and hold his hand and place my forehead to his forehead and then ask him. I don’t know what he thinks about that, about us, but I am constantly terrified that he will find someone else by the time I get to go back to Watford.

 

          Si my sun

**Baz!**

_What is it, Snow?_

**I saw Dev and Niall**

_Okay_

**They asked me if I was joining in for some kind of party this summer? A ball?**

_Oh._

Seen 15:12

 

I am now deeply regretting telling them all about my relationship with Snow on the phone the other day. I will destroy them.

 

          Si my sun

_I told them about us, I hope that’s okay._

_I mean, I told them we were talking now._

_You know._

**You told them we were talkin? It’s a way to put it**

**I guess we are yes haha**

_Is it okay?_

**Yes Baz it is okay to tell your friends we are talking.**

**Am just glad you r not that ashamed of me**

_What? Simon, I would never be ashamed. You are quite the arm candy._

**Now you are just flirting ! I was jk anywayssss**

**But what’s up with the ball tho?**

_Ah. Yes. It’s a tradition at the club. They have some kind of ball for the youth. Whatever that means. It is mainly a disgusting way to make sure we all meet each other so we can have happy wealthy babies._

**AAAAAAAHh**

**Ags told me about it actually**

_Yes, that make sense. I was actually surprised to not see you there last year._

**Surprised eh?**

**Or disappointed ????**

_Surprised._

**Are you sure about that?**

_Quite._

**Not even to see me in a suit?**

Seen 15:16

 

That little fucker.

 

 

          Si my sun

_I mean. I wouldn’t have mind._

**I have actually never worn one so idk how I look**

_Probably amazing._

**Maybe we’ll never know.**

_Except if you come to this one._

Seen 15:17

 

I don’t know how I feel so bold. Probably all the flirting with Simon bloody Snow has driven me completely crazy. But then again, we text all day, we talk on the phone, we masturbate over the phone… it feels like he is my boyfriend. I really want him to be my boyfriend and my date to the ball. I didn’t even think about the ball because I’m away but now I can’t stop picturing myself and Simon dancing in front of everybody. I am out to mostly everyone, but I’ve always gone alone. And now I might be able to take the most beautiful person on the planet. I don’t think I deserve to be that lucky but hell now that I’m here I might at least try. But he’s not answering right away so I probably blew it.

 

          Si my sun

**Okay, I need to be sure because sometimes understanding texts is tricky.**

**Are you asking me to go with you as your date?**

_Yes._

**Oh ! Cool ! Then Yes !**

**I mean… I still don’t have a suit and don’t know how to dance but I’ll be happy just to be with you**

_You do know how to dance. In your own way. I’ve seen it from close._

_Don’t worry about the suit._

**Baz, you are not buying me a suit.**

_Why?_

**You just aren’t. I’ll manage okay?**

_Okay…_

**I don’t like those dots. Promise ?**

_I promise._

**I trust you.**

**I have to go to training I have a big fight tomorrow !**

_Go punch some Nazis Captain._

**I should never have told you to watch the MCU…**

_But you did!_

**I hate you. Xx**

_Yeah sure._

Seen 15:32

 

I guess I now have an official date with Simon.

 

After his fight I receive a text from Simon’s friend, Clem. I have his number because Simon had broken his phone and texted me with his for some time.

 

          That Clem Guy

Hi Baz! Simon just won the Uni National championship!

Seen 22:45

 

Attached to that surprising info is a picture of Simon and holly fucking hell he is hot. He is completely covered in sweat. Without a shirt and in his boxing shorts of course. He is rocking a huge golden belt and he is smiling like a crazy person. I am blind by how bright he looks, how warm. I can only imagine what it must feel like for all those people to be in his presence right now. I feel like he is glowing out of the picture. He is not looking at the camera but at Penny who is clearly crying.

 

My smile fade suddenly. Of course, I am happy for him but also, I didn’t know he was doing the championship (or that this championship existed). It means that Simon has been training and going to all those venues, probably outside of town, to other Universities without telling me any of it. Why? We talk so much and yet I feel like I don’t know most of his life. I’m pissed, and sad, so I don’t answer. But I can’t stop thinking about it. So, I text him.

 

 

          Si my sun

**What’s up?**

_Hi love! I’m at the pub how ru?_

Seen 23:32

 

My message is so lame, and he makes this very difficult by calling me love.

 

          Si my sun

_At the pub? Celebrating anything?_

**Actually yes I won a big fight tonight!**

_Really, how big?_

**I can’t really send you nudes I’m at the pub Baz**

**I’ll leave it to your imagination**

Seen 23:32

Oh god. Did he? Did he just make a dick joke??? And offered to send me nudes???? I am blushing and to be honest starting to get a little bit hard. I hate how he can just do this to me so easily when I’m trying to have fight. Why am I trying to have a fight anyway? I should just be happy that Simon is giving me anything. But I want more, I love him, I want all of him.

 

          Si my sun

_Snow, your friend texted me a picture. You won the national championship._

**Oh he didn’t say !**

**I am quite happy about it**

_You are quite happy about it?_

_Snow it’s fucking amazing. Why didn’t you say anything?_

**Well it’s not really interesting. I though you didn’t care.**

_What?_

_Why would you think that?_

**You actually did say you didn’t care about my boxing things.**

**Which is fine! You don’t have to be like idk you don’t have to like it because I do it**

_What the actual fuck Snow? Of course, I care! I never said I didn’t._

_So, you went across the country, winning everything and you never said anything?_

_We talked every day and it never occurred to you to tell me?_

**Are you mad at me?**

**You said you didn’t care so I didn’t bother you with my shit and now you’re mad?**

**Are you mad because Clem texted? He’s just a friend Baz !**

_I am not jealous I don’t care what you do with that guy_

_And I never said that._

Seen 23:41

 

He stops answering. I am shaking, looking at my phone. I guess I had what I wanted, a fight. But now I feel like a complete idiot. I must have completely ruined his night… I hate myself. Also, I lied, I do care very much what he does with Clem. After several minutes I put my phone down. I need to calm my breathing. I drink a glass of cold water when my phone vibrates again. I almost run to it, pouring water everywhere.

 

It’s a screenshot of a conversation between Simon and me. But it’s old, like months old.

 

“           Do Not Text Him

**Because I kept texting you I need to do 100 more pushups**

_Well you shouldn’t be texting whilst you train so it seems fair._

_You should another 100 more because you were texting nonsense._

**Yeah well I’d rather do the pushups than say that bérets look good.**

**But you’re right I shouldn’t have texted. I have a big championship this year. It’s so much pressure because I feel like I owe Watford to do great.**

**Well idk why I told you that it’s not like you care.**

_You are right, I really don’t. Boxing is not really my thing, lacks elegance.”_

FUCKING HELL. I don’t even remember saying that. I remember how I felt when he told me he was stressed about some championship. But I remember wanting to hold him in my arms, not my snarky, useless, comment. Fuck I’m so dysfunctional sometimes. Most of the times. But I need to make this right.

 

          Si my sun

_Simon I am so sorry. I can see now that I did said that. But I never meant it. Surely you must know that even if I did mean it at that time (which is not the case) I don’t mean it now?_

**Well how would I know that?**

_You know I care about you._

**Yeah I guess but I know that you don’t like boxing. And it’s fine really. But don’t come yelling at me because I didn’t tell you.**

_I’m sorry I acted like a dick. I’m just sad that you did not share that with me. Feels like I don’t know a huge part of your life and I feel left out. I’m sorry, I guess I just miss you._

**Okay now I hate you for being so cute I cant be mad at u**

**Just so you know I didn’t go across the country. Most fights were in London and I did tell you every time I went to London.**

_I am so sorry for being suffocating. I am very proud of you, Simon, what you just accomplished is amazing._

**You are not suffocating!**

**And thank you! I wish you were here.**

_I always want to be with you but after seeing that picture I really want to be here tonight._

**Oh yeah?**

_I mean… Snow have you looked at your body? And your smile? But mostly your very sweaty body? Those thighs…_

_Seeing you like that I was ready to get on my knees and put my mouth on you. I want to kiss your belly and caress the soft skin inside your thighs. I want to take you into my mouth and show you how much I fucking care_

**Bloody heelbbaz**

**I am the pub**

**I have a huge hard on at the pub. Thank god for the table**

**Idk what to do**

_Seems like your problem not mine._

_I am comfortably in my bed._

**Fuck you**

**I want to be in that bed with you**

**But I cant think of this rn**

**Fuck I want you Baz**

_I want you too, Snow._

_Enjoy your nigh. Think about me, but with clothes on._

**Darling, you are so fucking hot I don’t think clothes on or off changes a lot but I’ll try**

**Goodnight**

**Dream of me**

Seen 00:03

 

I sleep like a baby. And I do dream of him. I wake up late and read again our conversation when it hits me. In the screenshot my name was “Do Not Text Him”

 

          Si my sun

_Hi Snow, hope you had a good night and you are not feeling too hungover._

_Can I ask why I am named “Do Not Text Him” on your phone?_

**Ah.**

**Well it’s actually an old screenshot. I used to send a lot of screenshot of our conversation to Penny or Ags so they can help figuring out what you mean**

**And well at that time you didn’t really want to talk to me**

**Well I though you didn’t**

**So I really try not to text you as much as I did**

_Oh Simon, I’m glad just naming me that didn’t work_

**Me too.**

_So, what’s my name now?_

**“Baz”**

_You sure?_

**No.**

_Well if it helps, on mine you are “Si my sun”_

**Love, that’s so sweet**

**You are actually just “love”**

**Sorry it’s nothing amazing haha**

_You are taking the piss, right? It is absolutely amazing._

_I don’t know how to say how much I love it._

**I mean that’s what boyfriends do, no? Give each other cheesy names or they phone?**

_Yes, I guess that’s what they do._

Seen 11:55


End file.
